Monday, September 25
Today starts a great adventure...
I'm nervous. I'm excited. Thankfully, the excitement is overriding the nervousness. I haven't traveled like this in 15 years, and there is a hell of a lot that has happened between then and now. The one thing I'm aware of is that I'm different. Not only am I not 25 years old anymore, but I've been through so much that shows me how much I've grown and transformed.
I'm not the same woman, and this isn't the same journey...
The last time I traveled internationally was in November 2008. I was to spend a month at a writer's retreat in the Languedoc region of Southern France. I was young--just turned 25--and a hot mess. I'd traveled to France and England before, but this was my first time on my own in a foreign country where I didn't know anyone. It was terrifying. It was the adventure of a lifetime.
Little did I understand then, it was also my initial spiritual awakening.
Today, this trip, is another huge turning point for me, and turning points come with their own challenges. This journey in particular means stepping more out of my comfort zone than I've done in the past 15 years. Almost twelve years ago, I was in physical and neurological decline from Lyme disease. Walking from the den to the kitchen was a struggle, and I could barely navigate my way down the street. Over the years, as I've healed, my life has healed. I was able to drive again--short distances, at first, then longer road trips. Now this? This is a testament to not only my physical healing but the depth of the inner work I've done.
Because I'm nervous. And excited. And the excitement is overriding the nerves. I turn to God and reach into my inner heart when I start to feel anxious, and I'm immediately calmed. I have so many more tools and resources than I did back then, not to mention a deeper connection to myself...
All along that journey 15 years ago, there was magic. I saw it in the strangers I met along the way, saw it in the people who helped me when I missed my planes, trains, and automobile arrangements. I even saw it in the number of dogs I saw--even at the airport--like they were divine signs from the Universe that everything was going to be OK.
I'm nervous. I'm excited.
I'm on the trip of a lifetime.
Current Dog Count: 1
Day One 1/2
(Monday, September 25)
High above the clouds, after take off, I spent some time in quiet reflection and said a prayer:
"Dear God,
I give you what I no longer wish to carry. I lay these burdens at your feet. I give my anxious heart to you; it is yours. Please guide me along this journey--this journey home to myself, this journey home to you."
I almost cried there on the plane in my little window seat. I felt that last line in the core of my soul, and I knew this is what this journey was for--like a final missing piece. In coming home to myself, I was coming home to God.
My lungs filled with a deep inhale, and I felt that sacredness expand within my heart.
He is with me--the sacred masculine. Not as a person or a projection or a reflection, but as an ever-loving presence. He is within me, always, as the part of me that is also me. Allowing myself to receive this love is where I express myself fully and wildly within the holy nature of all that I am. My love for him as for myself teaches me--it's where I grow and expand.
This is just the beginning...